


Small Problems

by badly_knitted



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Action/Adventure, Community: cottoncandy_bingo, Fluff, Gen, Humor, M/M, Rats, Street Rats, Weirdness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-29
Updated: 2014-06-30
Packaged: 2018-02-06 17:15:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1865916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/badly_knitted/pseuds/badly_knitted
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A routine retrieval causes some very unexpected problems for Jack and Ianto.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. This Is Not Good!

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter is written for my cottoncandy_bingo square Miniatures. There will be three chapters altogether.

They’d been out on a date when the Rift alert had come in, so Jack had called the rest of the team, telling them that he and Ianto were close to the co-ordinates and would secure whatever had come through if the others didn’t mind coming out to pick it up.

When Tosh, Gwen and Owen had arrived in the dirty back alley twenty minutes later, they had found a strange device sitting inside a containment box. The lid had been left open, but there was no sign of Jack or Ianto.

“I guess they wanted to get on with their date,” Tosh said with a smile. “It was good of them to do this much for us.”

“Oh come on Tosh, they probably just snuck off to screw each other senseless while they were waiting for us to get here,” Owen replied. “We all know what that pair are like.”

“Owen!” Gwen sounded shocked, but she was grinning.

“What? We passed Ianto’s car so they can’t have gone far.”

“Well anyway,” Tosh butted in to prevent an argument, “let’s get this back to the Hub, see if we can figure out what it is.” She snapped the lid closed, making sure it was secure. “Owen, can you give me a hand? It’s pretty heavy, I don’t think I can lift it by myself.”

It was indeed heavy, but between them they managed to carry it over to the SUV and load it in the boot before heading back to the Hub with Gwen driving.

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

Back in the alley some time later, Ianto stirred and groaned, rubbing his head.

“Ow! What the hell was that? Feels like someone hit me with an elephant.”

“Why an elephant?” Jack sounded as groggy as Ianto felt.

“Dunno, it was the first big, heavy thing I could think of,” Ianto admitted, dimly aware that he might not be making an awful lot of sense.

“Oh. I thought it felt more like being hit by lightning.”

“Well, I wouldn’t know about that. I’ve never been hit by lightning.”

“You’ve never been hit by an elephant either.” Jack levered himself carefully into a sitting position. “Unless there’s something you’re not telling me.”

Ianto considered that.

“Good point.” He looked about in confusion. “Jack, what happened to the device? Last thing I remember, we were just putting it in the containment box when everything went… er, pink.”

“With yellow dots. Yes, I remember that too.”

“Oh. Good. I thought maybe that was just me.”

Jack was on his feet now, a short distance away; he looked a bit unsteady, but then so did everything else. Ianto wasn’t sure he was a very good judge of stability at that point in time. He made it to hands and knees, then had to stop for a moment, waiting for the world to stop rocking.

“It’s gone!”

“What has?” As the ground finally settled in one place, Ianto staggered to his feet on legs that felt like wet noodles.

“The containment box! Someone must have taken it while we were unconscious.”

Ianto turned slowly, scanning the alley for clues. Something wasn’t right, but he couldn’t quite put a finger on it at first. Then it hit him and he almost fell over again. Oh dear. He grabbed Jack’s sleeve and tugged.

“Um, Jack, I think we have a bigger problem than a missing containment box…”

“We do?”

“Yeah.” Ianto pointed at an empty beer bottle standing nearby. It was taller than they were. “I think we might have shrunk.”

Jack stared at the bottle, shaking his head.

“Oh, this is not good!”

“On the bright side, there’s a good chance the team came and retrieved the device while we were out. They must not have noticed us; they would have been expecting us to be our usual size, not five inches tall. It’s a miracle no one stepped on us by accident.” A thought suddenly occurred to him and an expression of almost comical horror crossed his face. “Oh God, we’ve been reduced to action figures!”

Jack’s reaction was definitely not the one Ianto expected.

“Cool! I’d make a badass action figure, check me out!” He struck a heroic pose.

“Jack! Get a grip!”

“You’re no fun.”

“That’s not what you said last night. Anyway, concentrate. We’re in an alley, it’s…” he checked his watch, “almost midnight and we’ve been miniaturised. Must have been the device we found, but if I’m right about the team taking it, then our only hope of getting back to normal size is probably back at the Hub by now. We need to get back there ourselves.”

“Right, good thinking. Come on then.” Jack started towards the alley entrance. “The car’s just around the corner.”

Ianto just stood, hands on hips, staring after Jack.

“And how exactly do you plan on driving it?”

Jack stopped dead.

“Oh yeah. I forgot.”

“How could you forget…? Oh, never mind. I suppose we’ll just have to walk. It’ll be a long trek.” He trudged towards Jack, already feeling tired just thinking about what was ahead.

“Hey,” Jack said softly. Ianto looked up and found himself enveloped in a hug. He leaned into the comforting embrace, inhaling Jack’s familiar scent. “Don’t look so worried, we’ll be fine. We’re been in worse situations than this. Besides, you have your very own superhero action figure to protect you!” Jack grinned.

Ianto snorted with amusement.

“You’re so cheesy sometimes. You’re right though.” He pulled away and started towards the alley entrance again, glancing back over his shoulder at Jack. “We’ve survived freakier situations, it’s what we do.” Then his eyes widened. “Jack, duck!” he yelled, throwing himself at his lover, knocking Jack to the ground. A breeze swept over them and looking up from his prone position, Jack saw wickedly sharp talons snatch at thin air where he’d been standing just a split second earlier. Then it was gone and they were alone again.

“That was an owl, Ianto!”

“I know what it was, I’ve got eyes!”

“Then why did you call it a duck? Oh!” Realisation dawned.

Ianto rolled his eyes.

“Come on, let’s get out of here before it comes back.”

“Good idea, don’t think I want to become a snack tonight.”

This time they were more careful. Suddenly painfully aware of the dangers that came with being so small, they kept close to the alley wall and jogged from cover to cover until they reached the end of the alley and peered out into the street.

Ianto was relieved that the alley led out into a narrow side street rather than onto Hemingway Road itself. At this time of night, the side roads were all but deserted here, just a few cars passing and the occasional pedestrian. They were lucky that the moon was just past full and the night sky was clear of clouds; the streets were lit, but the alleyways weren’t.

Digging in the pocket of his coat, Ianto pulled out his torch and turned it on, mildly surprised that even in its miniaturised state it still worked. 

“Well, that’s the first piece of luck we’ve had so far. At least we’ll be able to see where we’re going!”

“See? Told you we’d be okay. You always worry too much.”

“One of us has to; you don’t worry enough.” Ianto paused, thinking. He already knew his wristwatch was working, he’d checked the time on it earlier, so there was a good chance the guns they both carried, even when off duty, would also still be operational. He smiled; their situation was starting to look a little better, though crossing roads would still be hazardous at five inches tall.

“Alright, I’ll concede the point. Things aren’t as bad as I first thought.” He shook his head, grinning. “Always have to be right, don’t you? Smug bastard.”

“On a related subject, if the torch and our watches are working, then everything else should be too. Why don’t we just phone the team, explain what’s happened and get ourselves picked up?”

Ianto turned to Jack, his face lighting up.

“You have your mobile with you?”

“No, mine’s back at the Hub. You have yours though, right? You take it everywhere.”

“Of course.” Ianto’s shoulders sagged. “It’s in the car.”

“Oh.” 

“Yeah.”

“Why did you leave it there?”

“It fell out of my pocket when I was getting in so I put it on the dashboard. I meant to pick it up when I got out, but...”

“Figures. Nothing’s ever that easy, is it?”

“Apparently not.”

“So, back to walking, I guess.”

“Looks like it.” Ianto looked sheepish. “Sorry.”

“Hey, not your fault, you couldn’t know we were going to need it. At least you brought yours; mine’s still on my desk.”

“Super secret alien-hunters are supposed to be ready for anything.”

“We are. The key to our success is our ability to improvise, and you’re better at that than any of us. I have every confidence in you, Ianto Jones. You’ll get us back to the Hub.” Jack grasped Ianto by the shoulders and looked him in the eye. “Chin up, we’re far from beaten.”

“Right, thanks for the pep talk, now let’s crack on, we can’t stay here all night.” He turned to face the road and flinched as a car whizzed past. “Shit! That’s our biggest danger right there. Next trick: cross the road without getting flattened by a car. I’m beginning to understand why so many hedgehogs meet their ends on roads.”

“Good thing we’re smarter than than the average hedgehog then.”

They hurried across the pavement to the kerb and lowered themselves to the gutter, creeping as far out across the road as they could under the shelter of a parked car before making a dash for the other side as soon as they were sure the road was clear. When they reached the other side, Ianto gave Jack a leg up then Jack reached down to help Ianto. Together, they scurried into another alley and paused to catch their breath. 

Although everything looked different from their new perspective, Ianto knew exactly where they were and was already plotting the best route back to the Hub. His main concern was the length of time it would take them to cover the distance. At the speed they were able to travel, it would be full daylight before they reached the Plass, and that would increase their chances of being spotted.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

“Just wishing we had a faster way of travelling. Well, wishing isn’t going to get us anywhere, let’s get on. This way.” Ianto took the lead, turning on his torch to light their way. 

Halfway along the alley, he stopped, holding up a hand to halt Jack.

“Rats,” he hissed.

“What’s wrong?” Jack peered past him. “Oh. Rats. Now what? Do rats eat miniature people?”

“Probably. They seem to eat just about anything else. How are you off for ammunition? I have a full clip in my automatic plus two spares, and my stun gun’s fully charged.”

“I’ve got enough bullets for a couple of re-loads I think. Got a can of Weevil spray too.”

“You brought Weevil spray on our date?” 

“I forgot to take it out of my pocket. Anyway, you can talk; you brought your stun gun!”

“I keep a spare in my car. I took it with me when we went to check what the Rift had dumped on us. I didn’t know what we were going to find, thought I might need it. Better to be safe than sorry, isn’t it?”

Jack chuckled.

“Our dates aren’t like other people’s are they?”

Ianto smirked at that.

“Nope, but at least we’re never bored. Scared half to death at times, but not bored. Come on. The rats seem to be occupied, maybe we can sneak past.”

Sneaking past rats, they discovered, doesn’t really work. They hadn’t even drawn level with the pack of rats on the other side of alley before they were detected and almost immediately they found themselves surrounded by furry bodies. Ianto drew his stun gun as Jack aimed the Weevil spray at the nearest rat, but before they could defend themselves, something strange happened. Another rat, piebald and larger than the others, broke through the ranks of wild rats, snapping at shoulders and haunches and scattering them.

Ianto stared in surprise.

“Isn’t that one of Owen’s lab rats? You remember; one got out a couple of weeks ago when Owen got careless. We never did find him.”

“You recognise Owen’s rats on sight?”

Ianto shrugged.

“I take care of them for him when he’s tied up with other things, which is most of the time; looking after the menagerie is part of my job. Besides, I like them. It’s just the wild ones I’m not keen on; they can be unpredictable. Murray seems to be doing alright for himself.”

“You named Owen’s rats?”

“No, Owen did. He’s quite fond of them, not that he’d ever admit it if you asked.”

Murray the rat sniffed at Ianto and squeaked. Ianto patted him.

“Yeah, it’s me. I’m just a bit smaller than usual.” He turned to Jack. “See if you can find some string or something, I’ve got an idea.”

Five minutes later, they were off down the alley again, moving quite a bit faster than before. Rats weren’t the easiest or the most comfortable creatures to ride, but Murray hadn’t objected to the makeshift harness Ianto had fashioned from a couple of old shoelaces Jack had found and at this point, riding was an improvement over walking. Ianto just hoped no one spotted them. He could just imagine the headlines. ‘Fairies Are Real! Two Tiny Folk Seen Riding A Rat Through Cardiff!’ They’d never live it down.

 

TBC in ‘Part 2 - Wild Ride’


	2. Wild Ride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crossing Cardiff at night by rat was certainly one of the strangest adventures Jack and Ianto had ever experienced…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for my cottoncandy_bingo square Adventure/Quest.

Even riding, the journey across Cardiff was a long one; Jack and Ianto were both hungry as they’d missed dinner through being unconscious. It was a good thing they hadn’t booked a table. ‘Sorry we missed our reservation, we were knocked out and miniaturised,’ probably wouldn’t be an acceptable excuse at most of Cardiff’s more high-class restaurants.

Steering Murray was a bit of a battle too; he kept getting sidetracked, presumably by enticing smells. Pulling the reins was making Ianto’s arms and shoulders ache. He estimated that after an hour of travelling by rat, they were still only a third of the way to the Plass.

“I can smell chips,” said Jack from over Ianto’s shoulder. “I’m starving, I’d kill for some chips.”

It was almost closing time at the chippie. Few people were about, but Ianto spotted one young couple sitting on a bench by a bus stop, presumably waiting for their bus, their supper forgotten beside them. They were too busy making out to pay attention to their surroundings. He pointed them out to Jack.

“Maybe if we’re careful we could sneak a couple of chips away from them without anyone noticing.”

“I like the way you think, Mr Jones! Better find somewhere to park our valiant steed before we indulge in a spot of petty theft.”

Ianto tethered Murray securely to a bush behind the low wall the bench was situated against. The bushes made climbing to the top of the wall simple and from there it was easy to get on the seat of the bench. Pulling a roll of miniaturised bin bags from his coat pocket, Ianto tore off several and busied himself with getting them open.

Jack was amused.

“I know you like to keep things clean and tidy, but do you routinely carry rubbish bags everywhere?” he whispered, grinning.

“I didn’t know what the Rift had dropped in the alley, thought they might be useful so I grabbed them out of the car,” Ianto answered quietly. “I’m glad I did now.” He handed Jack a couple of bags. “Here, one chip each should be enough for a feast given our current size. Pick smallish chips and put one in each of these then we can lower them to the ground without them getting dirty. We can drop a couple of loose chips down for Murray too; I doubt that he’ll mind a bit of dirt on his dinner.”

Checking that the coast was clear and that the young couple were still occupied, Jack slid carefully onto the bench seat and opened the Styrofoam container. Pulling his gloves off, he shoved a large chip across the gap to Ianto, who dropped it down for Murray, then returned to collect their own food.

Meanwhile, Jack was busying himself with selecting a couple of chips for their meal and tucking them into the bags. Using the plastic fork, he managed to pry open a piece of battered fish and broke a couple of good-sized flakes off, packing them in with the chips and passing both bags across to Ianto. Two more chips followed for Murray, then he closed the box to keep the rest of the food warm. It looked less suspicious that way. He slid back onto the wall and climbed down to the ground, reaching back up so Ianto could pass the bags of food down to him before following. 

Soon they were settled on a dead twig, tucking into fish and giant chips as long as their arms. 

“Fish as well as chip!” Ianto exclaimed happily. “You did well, oh mighty hunter, this is quite the feast! And it’s still hot.”

“I aim to please,” Jack smirked with a wink.

“Pity we don’t have anything to drink, I could really do with a coffee to keep me awake about now.”

“Tired?” Jack put his arm around Ianto, pressing a kiss into his hair and Ianto leaned against him with a sigh.

“Yeah, it’s been a long day already, and it’s not over yet.” He checked his watch. “It’s already gone 2 am and we’re barely halfway to the Hub. We should get moving again soon.”

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

Once they’d finished eating, Jack tied the tops of the bags securely so they could take the rest of their food with them, just in case they needed it, then they mounted Murray, setting off once more towards the Hub. Thankfully, the roads were getting quieter as the night wore on. There were a couple of major roads to cross along their route that would have been hazardous at any other time, but now traffic was light they were able to scamper across without risking their lives.

“I feel like I’m in an episode of _The Borrowers_ ; it’s sort of fun,” Ianto chuckled as they cut through back gardens astride their trusty steed, slipping through gaps in hedges and sliding under fences, scurrying past toys that looked like they belonged to giants. It was weird, but he was finding the adventure quite exciting now. The food had improved his mood as well as giving him some much-needed energy while the mild weather and clear sky meant that the journey was almost pleasant. They’d grown accustomed to riding too, having found their balance, though Ianto suspected they’d both be rather saddle-sore the next day.

Sitting behind Ianto, arms around his lover’s waist, Jack smiled at the enthusiasm in the other man’s voice.

“If we can keep this pace up, we should reach the Plass in a couple more hours. I wonder if any of the others will have arrived at the Hub by the time we get there,” he mused.

“Have you given any thought to how we’ll get in?” Ianto asked. He didn’t relish the thought of being stuck outside for the rest of the night, waiting for the team to arrive in the morning.

“That shouldn’t be a problem; everything we have with us is still in working order despite being miniaturised, so we should be able to operate the invisible lift using my Vortex Manipulator.”

Ianto was a little embarrassed he hadn’t thought of that.

“Good thinking. That’ll at least get us inside the Hub; then we can find the device that caused our predicament and hopefully work out how to reverse it. Maybe Tosh is already working on it.”

“At almost three in the morning? Doubtful. Even Tosh isn’t _that_ much of a workaholic! Besides, she doesn’t even know we’ve been shrunk so from her point of view, there’s no urgent rush to figure out what the device is.”

They were still discussing possible strategies when the cat spotted them. Murray was scampering along through a rather overgrown garden when suddenly a lithe, lean shape loomed in front of them, sleek and menacing. A house cat rather than an alley cat then, not that it made all that much of a difference. Cats being natural hunters, any cat at all was bound to be bad news for two five inch tall people travelling by rat. For the first time since the alley where they’d met their mount, the two miniature men realised they could be in serious trouble. 

Murray tried to dodge, but the cat was too fast for him, effectively blocking their way and leaving them with no clear escape route. Jack decided it was time to go on the offensive.

“Sorry, kitty, but we’re not on the menu tonight,” he snapped, leaping from Murray’s back to confront the monster.

“Jack, be careful!”

“Relax, Ianto, I’ve battled far more formidable foes!” and with that, Jack lunged at the cat, zapping it in the paw with Ianto’s stun gun. Hissing and spitting, the cat jumped back, shaking its paw, tail twitching back and forth in anger.

Jack put the stun gun on a higher setting and stood his ground. Murray, with Ianto still aboard, hunkered down behind him, poised and ready to flee if a chance presented itself. Cautiously, belly low to the ground, the cat slunk forward again, this time getting zapped on the tip of its nose. That did the trick. Wailing like a banshee, the supposedly fearless predator turned tail and fled.

“Hah! Take that! Not used to having your prey fight back, are ya?” Jack shouted after it. “Coward!”

He twirled the stun gun Western style and dropped it into his coat pocket, smirking as he turned back to Ianto. Sweeping a low bow, he declared in a suitably dramatic voice:

“The foe has been vanquished, my liege!”

Ianto put one hand over his heart and fluttered his eyelashes.

“My hero, how can I ever thank you?”

“If you would but grant me the boon of a kiss from your tender lips, it would be more than your humble servant could hope for!”

“Approach, noble knight, that I may grant your request.”

Ianto leaned down from Murray’s back and proceeded to kiss Jack senseless. Pulling away a little while later, he licked his lips. 

“You taste of chips.”

“So do you.”

Looking at each other, they both burst out laughing.

“I think the moonlight’s making me a bit giddy,” Ianto said with a grin, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes. “Either that or I’m slightly hysterical from narrowly avoiding being eaten by a cat. Let’s get out of here before kitty comes back with reinforcements.”

“Do cats do that?”

“No idea, but I don’t plan on sticking around to find out. I didn’t survive being captured by cannibals just to become cat food!”

“Yeah, that’s not a fate anyone would wish for.” Jack scrambled back aboard and wrapped his arms around Ianto’s waist.

“Onward, noble steed! Make haste, we must reach the fortress before sunrise!”

Murray glanced back and squeaked indignantly, making Ianto snigger.

“Well, okay, just do the best you can,” Jack told the rat.

Seemingly mollified, Murray set off at a steady lope, steered by Ianto, through a hedge, along a path and out onto the street. They paused at the kerb, checking for traffic and other dangers, before scampering to the other side and into the welcome concealment of some bushes. Being out in the open made them all feel horribly exposed but sometimes it was unavoidable. Ianto thought ahead. There would be precious little cover once they got close to the Hub, and more chance of being spotted by anyone who might be out late after a night out. Thankfully it was mid-week; if it had been the weekend, they would probably have had to make their way past crowds of drunken partygoers, which could have proved tricky. Hopefully there wouldn’t be too many people still out and about in the early hours.

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

The rest of their ride to the Plass went relatively smoothly, loping past buildings and homes with their darkened windows like enormous eyes silently observing their progress. There was only one hairy moment, when they spotted a fox trotting along the pavement on the opposite side of the road. It looked like it was following a scent trail though, and thankfully didn’t even glance in their direction. Ianto could have sworn that even Murray breathed a sigh of relief when the urban predator disappeared down an alley while it was still some distance from them. That was a narrow squeak indeed!

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

Pausing in the last bit of cover for several hundred metres, the trio of adventurers stared out across the vast open spaces of the Roald Dahl Plass towards the water tower. There weren’t a lot of places they could hide out there, just a few benches and litter bins. It was a daunting prospect. 

Ianto checked his watch: it was almost 4.30 am and already the sky was lightening in the east. Dawn wasn’t far off, and in daylight they’d stand little chance of making it to the invisible lift without attracting attention. Outside the Millennium Centre, a small group of late-night revellers were loitering, smoking cigarettes, talking and laughing. Seeing them brought back memories of nights out with friends, what seemed a lifetime ago. Those had been fun, carefree times, pre-Torchwood, yet despite everything that had happened in the intervening years, Ianto was surprised to realise that he wouldn’t trade places even if he could. He wondered if that meant he was growing up.

They skirted the edge of the Plass, keeping close to buildings for as long as possible, until Ianto judged they had the clearest run possible directly to the paving slab of the invisible lift. Jack stood up on Murray’s back to make a last check for potential threats; he couldn’t see anything obvious, so he slid back down, took a tight grip and gave the order.

“This is it, boys, no turning back now! Full speed ahead: CHARGE!”

Ianto urged Murray into the rat equivalent of a gallop and they swept onto the Plass, going flat out, Murray’s claws scrabbling for purchase on the paving slabs, Jack and Ianto crouching low to cut down wind resistance while still keeping a watch to both sides for danger.

Across the Plass, the revellers spotted movement in the dimness and Ianto had to chuckle as he heard one of the group exclaiming to his friend in an awed voice:

“Shit, Huw, look at that hedgehog go! You’d never think those little buggers could move that fast, must have the wind behind it!”

“I think he needs his eyes testing,” he muttered to Jack.

“Sounds like he’s drunk enough to be seeing pink elephants,” Jack replied. Ianto could tell he was grinning even without looking. “Mistaking us for a speeding hedgehog is the least of his problems!”

Murray leapt onto the pavement that surrounded the water tower with one mighty bound, scampering onwards as fast as he was able until Ianto pulled on the shoelace reins, slowing him to a trot. Three more paving slabs, two more, then they were there on the invisible lift and Murray stood panting, head drooping. Jack and Ianto slid off his back, patting him and praising him for his courage and for carrying them to safety.

“I’m going to get you the biggest and best rat house money can buy,” Ianto promised. “You’ll live in luxury for the rest of your days.” He scratched Murray behind his ears as Jack flipped open his Vortex Manipulator and the lift started its descent into the depths of the Hub. Ianto thought it had never seemed such a long way down. “I really hope Myf doesn’t see us! We wouldn’t stand a chance.”

 

TBC in ‘Part 3 - Light Through A Window’


	3. Light hrough A Window

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back in the Hub, Jack and Ianto need to work out how to reverse the effects of the strange device.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for my cottoncandy_bingo square Window.
> 
> And that's it - 25 squares filled! Bingo Blackout! *collapses from exhaustion* Why do I do this to myself? Hope everyone enjoyed the fics!

The Hub was in standby mode, lights low and computers powered down; clearly, everyone had gone home after bringing the mystery device back to base. They stepped down from the paving slab and Ianto led Murray to the Rift pool for a drink before tethering him under Tosh’s desk and feeding him the chips left over from their dinner.

“There you go, I think you need the food more than we do; you did most of the work, after all.”

Murray affectionately butted Ianto in the chest with his head, nearly knocking him over.

“Steady there, big guy!” Jack patted the rat. “You damage Ianto and you won’t get the rewards he has planned for you.” He turned to Ianto, frowning slightly. “Hey, did you give Murray all the chips?”

“Yup! He’s earned them.”

“What about us? I’m hungry too, ya know.” Jack was practically pouting.

“Well, if you’re a good boy I might give you a cookie from my secret food stash.”

“You have a secret food stash?”

“You know I do, you’ve spent enough time trying to find it. You never will though, it’s very well hidden.”

“Is that a challenge?” Jack’s eyes were twinkling with mischief.

“Nope, it’s a fact.” Ianto just looked at Jack with such calm confidence that Jack knew he didn’t stand a chance.

“Spoilsport. Ah well, I guess we have more important things to think about right now, like how to get back to our normal size. Being a living action figure is fun, but I don’t want to stay like this permanently, it makes life difficult.”

“Only just realised that, have you?” Ianto raised an eyebrow, amused.

“Ha ha, my boyfriend the comedian.” Jack stuck out his tongue.

“Put that away if you don’t plan on using it!”

Jack grinned and licked Ianto’s nose, making him laugh.

“Cut it out Jack, be serious for a minute. You can lick me all you want once we’ve fixed this little problem. No pun intended.”

“Promise?”

“I’ll probably insist!”

“I’ll be happy to oblige.”

“You always are, and believe me when I say I appreciate it.” He gave Jack a quick peck on the lips. “Right, business before pleasure.”

Peering upwards, he pointed.

“Looks like Tosh left the device on her worktable; we need to find a way to get up there so we can examine it. How are you at scaling furniture?”

Jack turned to look where Ianto was pointing and studied the ascent.

“Looks tricky, this might take some thought. We’ll also need to see if Tosh did any preliminary work on it before she went home. If she ran any scans, there might be information on her computer that’ll help us figure out how to reverse the effects.”

“So, first order of business is to find a way of getting up there.” Ianto sighed. “A ladder would be nice.”

“Yeah, but failing that we might need to find something to use as a rope.”

“That’s not a problem, I know where there’s a ball of string that should be easy to get at.”

“Well, that’s a start anyway.”

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

It took some ingenuity, but with the help of the ball of string and a pencil they’d found on the floor under the desk, they managed to ascend to the seat of Tosh’s chair. 

Ianto tied one end of a length of string to the pencil, which Jack threw like a javelin over the chair. When it came down on the other side, they secured the string to the foot of the chair, tied the other end in a loop around Ianto’s waist and then Jack, with Murray’s help, pulled hard on their end until Ianto was able to climb onto the seat. Once there, Ianto secured his end of the string so Jack could climb up, after he’d tethered Murray again. From the chair to the desktop was a much easier climb, Ianto simply gave Jack a leg up then let Jack help him up.

“Okay, division of labour,” Jack said when they’d caught their breath. “You log on to Tosh’s computer and do a search for anything that might prove useful while I take a look at the mysterious shrinking device.”

“I’ll check the archive records too, see it there’s any mention of tech that shrinks people. You never know, maybe something like this has happened before.”

“Wouldn’t surprise me,” Jack smirked. “Just about anything that could happen, _has_ happened to at least one Torchwood agent, including one guy who got turned into a liquid. I remember we had to mop him up and keep him in a bucket until the tech expert of the time managed to reverse the process. He ended up an inch shorter than he had been though; I guess we didn’t manage to collect all of him.”

“Okay, that is seriously weird!” Ianto looked simultaneously horrified and fascinated. Shaking his head, he turned his attention to the computer, powering it up and beginning the laborious process of opening windows and typing in search requests, poking at the keys with a pencil.

Once the searches were underway on one screen, Ianto checked to see if Tosh had done any preliminary tests on the new acquisition, discovering the results of several scans, as well as information on composition, power source and some tentative theories on its purpose and possible origin. She’d also set her translation programme working on the bits of writing she’d discovered alongside the various switches and dials. It was 94% complete. Hopefully it might provide some useful information.

“Jack, whatever you do, don’t move any switches or dials on that thing. We don’t want to end up twice our usual size or something equally insane when we try to undo what it did to us.”

Jack jerked his hand away from the dial he’d been about to touch, hoping Ianto hadn’t seen.

“I’m not an idiot,” he declared defensively, “I know better than to fiddle with something when I don’t know how it works.” 

Well, that was true. He _did_ know better, he just didn’t always follow the golden rule, mainly because he had yet to come across anything that could do him permanent harm. Being shrunk couldn’t really be classed as harmful since he was still alive, in one piece and as healthy as he’d been before; there was just less of him. He idly wondered whether he’d come back full-sized if he was killed while in this miniaturized state.

Ianto busied himself reading through all the data Tosh had collected before she’d left for the night. The device was composed of an alien alloy with some ceramic-like components, scans revealed an interior filled with complicated circuitry and there was an adhesive label stuck on one side as well as an etched panel on the back that could be instructions. He checked the translation programme: 98% complete; shouldn’t take much longer. He tapped his foot impatiently.

“Got something?” Jack asked, hopping back over onto Tosh’s desk and striding confidently towards Ianto, looking every inch the action hero (‘action figure,’ a little voice in the back of his mind reminded him, giggling gleefully. Ianto silently berated himself, reminding the little voice that he was in exactly the same state).

“Possibly. Tosh has her translation programme running. If it works, we should know in a minute what the labels say.”

Jack stopped beside Ianto, slipping his arm around his partner’s waist as they watched the progress bar click over to 99%.

“This is exciting,” he commented.

“The highlight of the entire adventure,” Ianto agreed, deadpan. “I’m quite giddy with anticipation.”

“I can see that.”

They glanced at each other and grinned. Just then, the computer went ‘ping’ to announce the completion of its task. Ianto glared at it suspiciously.

“It went ‘ping’! Isn’t it supposed to go ‘beep’?”

“I wouldn’t know,” Jack replied vaguely, staring at the screen as a new window opened and alien symbols began to appear on the screen, accompanied by the translation, beginning with the device’s back panel.

THE AMAZING SHRINK ‘N’ STORE!

Too much stuff? Not enough room? Then you need Agrifoy Essentials’ amazing Shrink ‘N’ Store™

Simple to use, the Shrink ‘N’ Store can shrink anything for easy, convenient storage or transportation, then restore your belongings to their original size with the press of a button whenever you need them!

Moving house? Pack all your furniture in one box!

Keep all your clothes in one drawer! Ideal for circumventing the luggage restrictions on space cruises!

No parking spaces? Simply shrink your vehicle and carry it with you!

Convenient, portable, solar powered and with a lifetime guarantee, this is the gadget no home should be without.

999 intelligent beings out of 1,000 say they would recommend the Shrink ‘N’ Store to friends and family.

Winner of the Primenz Award for Best Household Invention, the Shrink ‘N’ Store is consistently at the top of Best Buy Magazine’s list of Things No Home Should Be Without.

“Wow! I’m impressed!” said Jack.

“That really is a useful device,” Ianto agreed. “Think of the space we could save in the archives. Oh.” His face fell.

“What’s wrong?”

“That label stuck on the side.”

Jack looked back at the screen as the translation of the adhesive label appeared. In capital letters, it read:

FAULTY. TO BE REPAIRED.

Loose connection inside causes unit to spontaneously activate when tilted.

“Well, at least now we know what happened. You must have tilted it.”

“It slipped a bit when I was lowering it into the containment box. It’s a lot heavier than it looks.”

“Provided it stays level, we should be okay. Now we just need the operating instructions.”

They waited impatiently until finally the relevant information scrolled across Tosh’s monitors.

Using the Shrink ‘N’ Store turned out to be simplicity itself, a child could have done it. The controls, set on the top, were very straightforward. Firstly there was a dial for selecting the percentage of size reduction required; it was currently set to reduce objects to 7% of their original size. Beside that were two buttons, one labelled ‘Shrink’ the other ‘Reverse Shrinking’. There was also a two-way switch labelled ON and OFF. Unsurprisingly, it was currently in the ON position. In the front of the device was a circular window; presumably that was where the beam of light that had shrunk them had come from. To reverse the shrinking process, one simply had to position the object to be restored in front of the machine’s window, turn the dial to the same setting that was used for shrinking the object in the first place and press the ‘Reverse Shrinking’ button. The machine would do the rest.

Ianto looked thoughtful.

“We’ll have to be un-shrunk one at a time, there’s no way for either of us to stand in front of the Shrink ‘N’ Store and still reach the button on top.”

“Un-shrunk? Is that even a word?”

“It is now.” Ianto stared at Jack stubbornly, daring him to object.

“Right, un-shrunk it is. I’ll go first.”

“Why?”

“Because if being un-shrunk knocks us out like being shrunk did, we’ll probably fall off the worktable, which would do you more harm than it would me. Once I recover, I can carefully lift the machine to the floor, put you in front of it, press the button and get ready to catch you. I don’t want you getting hurt.”

“I’d rather you didn’t get hurt either,” Ianto objected.

“I’d prefer that too, but I can’t think of any other way. We can’t move the Shrink ‘N’ Store to a safer place while we’re this size and there’s limited space to stand in front of it.”

Ianto paced back and forth for a minute, shoved one hand through his hair, leaving it sticking up, then suddenly spun around.

“Don’t stand!”

“What?”

“Instead of standing in front of the machine, lie down. It won’t be particularly comfortable when you’re restored to normal size, but you’ll be less likely to fall off the worktable.”

“You’re a genius!” Jack grabbed Ianto, kissing him thoroughly.

“Hmmmm,” Ianto sighed, licking his lips, “I should have brilliant ideas more often if that’s the reward I get.”

“You have brilliant ideas all the time; I just don’t reward you enough.”

“That’s true. I think I deserve a raise!”

“Fill in the paperwork and I’ll authorize it.”

”Seriously?”

“You do the work of about five people around here, I’d say a pay raise is long overdue. Now, how about I give you a different kind of raise?” Jack gestured to the Shrink ‘N’ Store. “You’ll need to be on top of that to press the button; come on, I’ll give you a leg up.”

Hand in hand, they jumped the small gap between Tosh’s desk and worktable, and made their way over to where the squat, gold coloured machine sat. Jack gave Ianto a boost then went around the front.

“How far away do ya think I should be?”

“Try for a spot about halfway between the machine and the edge of the table. Hopefully that’ll give you enough room to grow safely.”

Jack paced out the distance, found the halfway point and stretched out on his back, level with the window in the front of the device.

“You might want to close your eyes when you press the button, in case there’s that weird flash of light like last time.”

“Sounds sensible; you’d better close yours too. You ready?”

“As I’ll ever be. On three?”

“Or not.” Ianto pressed the button with all his strength and shut his eyes tightly. Even through his closed eyelids, he couldn’t help seeing that weird light, an odd yellow/pink colour with pale blue spots this time. As the light faded, he opened his eyes, blinking rapidly to clear his vision. A giant Jack was draped precariously over the end of the worktable. It took Ianto a moment to realise that Jack was actually normal sized now; he only looked like a giant because Ianto was still in his miniaturised state. He also appeared to be unconscious. Ianto winced in sympathy, hoping Jack would wake up soon; that really didn’t look like a comfortable position to be in.

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

It was maybe twenty minutes before Jack groaned and stirred, reaching one hand up to his head.

“Ow!”

“Jack? Are you okay?”

To Jack, Ianto’s voice sounded faint, as if it was coming from a long way off. His head hurt, his back was aching, and he felt like he should remember what had happened but his thoughts were like a jigsaw puzzle with half of the pieces missing. He set about mentally trying to reconstruct recent events with the pieces he had left.

“Not sure. What happened? Did someone drop a building on my head?” He opened his eyes carefully and tried to look around. He was in the Hub, he was reasonably certain of that much. Ianto was somewhere about too.

“Ianto?”

“Right here, Jack.”

The voice came from his left so Jack cautiously turned his head that way, wincing at the pain the movement caused.

“Where? I can’t see you!”

Something moved beside the strange machine that sat a couple of feet away on the table he seemed to be lying across. Jack squinted and realised it was a tiny Ianto. He groaned again.

“Oh, now I remember. How long was I out for?”

“Twenty minutes, give or take. Guess it’s pointless asking how you feel.” Ianto’s tiny forehead was creased with worry; he looked as pained as Jack felt.

“I’ll be fine once I get off this damn table. I feel like I’m being bent in half backwards, reminds me of that time Hart pushed me off a roof. Just give me a minute to get up.”

“Careful!” Ianto warned.

Well, Jack tried, but under the circumstances, being careful wasn’t really an option. There wasn’t much to get hold of for leverage and when he tried to sit up, all he succeeded in doing was slithering rather haphazardly off the table onto the concrete floor, where he landed with a muffled thud and a string of very inventive swear words, some of which were definitely not in any earth language. Ianto hurried to the edge of the table and peered anxiously down at Jack, who was lying in a heap on the ground.

“I’m fine, just my legs have gone to sleep. Along with the rest of me.” Jack started flexing various limbs, trying to get his circulation back, yelping and wincing at the unpleasant tingling of blood flow returning to normal.

As soon as he was able to, Jack staggered to his feet and gripped the edge of the table, waiting for the Hub to stop rocking. Thankfully, it didn’t take long, no doubt due to his ultra-fast healing abilities.

“Okay, your turn now. Hop on.” Jack rested his hand palm upwards on the table and Ianto climbed on, wrapping his arms around Jack’s thumb for safety. “I’ll put you on the sofa, you’ll be comfier there when you change back than on the floor. The machine can go on the coffee table.”

“Be careful not to tip it when you move it,” Ianto shouted up at Jack.

“I remember, don’t worry. I’ll be extremely careful. I’d switch it off before moving it, but I don’t want to take the chance that it might not come on again.” Jack set Ianto down on the ratty old sofa. “Keep to one end until I have the machine in place, just to be safe. Don’t want you to end up shrunker. More shrunk. Whatever.”

Ianto did as he was told and watched as Jack got behind the Shrink ‘N’ Store before lifting it very gingerly, keeping it absolutely level as he carried it to the coffee table and set it down, turning it so the window in the front faced the centre of the sofa. It was a bit too low, so he fetched a couple of large, heavy books from his office and set the machine on those.

“That looks about right. Now all you have to do is make yourself comfortable in the middle there. You’ll be back to normal in no time. Don’t forget to shut your eyes.”

Having found that walking on the springy surface took too much effort and balance, Ianto wound up crawling to the middle of the sofa.

“About here?”

“Yeah, that looks right.”

Stretching out on his back, Ianto folded his arms comfortably over his stomach and closed his eyes.

“Whenever you’re ready, Jack.” 

He’d barely finished speaking before that weird light lit up the world around him. Everything turned yellow/pink with sky-blue dots, he felt a peculiar tickling, stretching sensation begin, and that was the last thing he was aware of for a while.

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

Gradually, awareness began to return and Ianto found himself wishing it hadn’t bothered. He considered groaning but rejected the idea on the grounds that it would take altogether too much effort. A warm hand was gently stroking his hair; it felt nice. He thought he should probably say something.

“That feels nice.” The words came out as a hoarse whisper.

“Hey, welcome back.” Thankfully, Jack was speaking softly, no doubt in deference to the horde of demonic midgets wielding pickaxes inside his skull. “Headache?”

“No thanks, I’ve already got one.”

“Funny guy. Here, take these.”

Ianto cracked open one eye as he felt something being pressed into his palm. Bringing his hand up to his eyes, he peered at it myopically.

“Painkillers, how very considerate. The really good ones too.”

“Only the best for you.”

Getting the tablets into his mouth on the third attempt, since his coordination seemed to be a bit off, he swallowed them with a few mouthfuls of water from the bottle Jack handed him. Drinking from a bottle while lying with your head in someone’s lap isn’t the easiest thing to do, so they both ended up a bit damp and Ianto got water in one ear, but in the grand scheme of things, it didn’t seem that important, so he ignored it. Eyes closed, he waited for Owen’s extra-strong painkillers to work their magic.

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

Ten minutes later, and feeling more or less normal again, Ianto sat up carefully, reached for the Shrink ‘N’ Store and turned it off.

“With any luck, that should mean it doesn’t activate accidentally when moved,” he told Jack, “but just to be safe, I think it should only be moved when there’s nothing alive in front of it. I suspect it’s not really designed for shrinking living beings.”

“It should have a warning label on it,” Jack grumbled.

Ianto reached over and peeled up the edge of the handwritten ‘Faulty’ label on the side. 

“I think it does, but someone stuck this one over it.”

“Typical. What now?”

“Put it back on the worktable and leave it for Tosh to study when she gets in?” Ianto suggested. “Maybe she’ll be able to fix it so we can make use of it.”

Jack shrugged.

“Why not?” Lifting the device carefully, he carried it back to where it was when they’d arrived at the Hub. He stared at the table for a minute then turned to Ianto. “I think I’m gonna erase the CCTV footage of recent events, there’s no need for anyone to know about our… little adventure.” He winked at Ianto.

“You just don’t want the rest of the team to see you fall off the table.”

“It was undignified!”

“And yet, you never seem to mind when it’s _my_ dignity that takes a battering.”

Jack looped his arms around Ianto’s waist.

“How about if I promise to be more considerate of your dignity in future?”

“I’ll believe that when I see it!” Reluctantly, Ianto extricated himself from Jack’s arms. “Come on then, we have a lot to do if we’re going to conceal your tragic loss of dignity from the team. It’s already almost 7 am, Tosh will most likely be here in less than an hour.”

Ianto headed over to Tosh’s workstation, closing down all the windows he’d opened on her screens, but leaving the translation results up. Jack headed up to his office, taking his books with him, and set about erasing the incriminating CCTV footage.

With the computer systems and CCTV dealt with, Ianto cleared away the string they’d used for climbing, along with a few other things they’d left lying around, giving everything a final glance and nodding in satisfaction.

“Sorted.”

A squeak came from under the desk.

“Oops! Sorry, Murray.” 

Ianto knelt and un-tethered the rat, picking him up and carrying him down to the autopsy bay. Removing the shoelace harness, he placed Murray inside a tank-like chamber on one of the side benches.

“You’ve spent too much time with wild rats, you need to go through decontamination. Don’t worry; it doesn’t hurt.” He stared at the rat. “What am I saying? You’ve probably been in this before anyway.” Lowering the lid, Ianto adjusted the controls to the correct settings for a rat and switched on, then headed down to the locker room for a shower. 

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

Murray sat patiently while beams of different coloured light passed over him, then endured being sprayed with liquid, which drained away leaving him looking unsurprisingly like a drowned rat. Finally, the decontamination chamber blew jets of warm, sterile air across him, drying him thoroughly. The lid opened automatically when the procedure was complete and Ianto, fresh from his shower, lifted a very fluffy-looking Murray out.

“There you go! Sparkling clean. That has to feel better than all the alley grime.” He set the rat on his shoulder and headed up to Jack’s office. 

Leaning on the desk, he looked at Jack. “You should go shower, Murray and I already have. Mind if I borrow your computer? I want to order Murray’s new house.”

Jack smiled up at him.

“Go ahead, I’m done here.” He vacated his seat, letting Ianto settle in front of the computer. A few clicks of the mouse and Ianto had Pet World’s website up in a new window, then searched to see what rat houses they had in stock. Jack leaned over his shoulder, studying the choices.

After careful consideration, they picked out a massive, multi-level rat house with platforms, hammocks and plenty of ramps and tubes connecting the different levels. There was only one left in stock, which Ianto quickly paid for, arranging delivery for later that day, and ordering all the other necessary rat supplies to be delivered at the same time. 

“That’s another job out of the way. Someone will have to be at the flat to take delivery though,” he commented.

“We can head home as soon as the team get here,” Jack replied. “I’m giving us the day off, barring the end of the world; I think we’ve earned it. We can drop our clothes off at the dry cleaners on the way; maybe pick up something for breakfast. You might want to find a carrier for Murray though, we can’t leave him running loose in the car, it wouldn’t be safe for him.”

Ianto checked his watch.

“There’s one in the storage room on sub-level three, should have time to fetch it before I need to get the coffee on.” He smirked a little. “I wonder what Owen will think of us making off with one of his rats.” 

“He did manage to lose Murray in the first place,” Jack reminded him. “Finders keepers. I get the feeling Murray considers himself your rat now anyway,” he added with a smile, watching the rat busily grooming Ianto’s hair. “We should see if we can talk Owen out of one of his other rats too, Murray should have a ratty companion, it wouldn’t do for him to be alone all the time when we’re at work.”

Ianto gave a sly grin.

“Maybe we should take them all home. Owen doesn’t have much time for them these days, not since he stopped using them as test subjects. The new alien tech is more accurate and anyway, I think Owen prefers not having to resort to animal testing. Beneath that crusty exterior beats a heart as soft as a marshmallow.”

“Charming analogy,” Jack chuckled. “I’m having a hard time picturing Owen with a squishy centre though!”

“I’m hungry, my thoughts are revolving around food; one chip hours ago is not enough to sustain a full grown man. I’ll go get the carrier, you go shower. I hate to say it, but you smell like a back alley.” 

With that final comment, Ianto headed for the sub-levels, leaving his lover to make his way down to the locker room for a much-needed shower. Jack wrinkled his nose in distaste. Ianto was right; he smelled pretty bad. Eau de Alleyway was not a good smell on anyone; even 51st century pheromones couldn’t mask the odour completely. 

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

By the time Jack returned to the main Hub, the delicious aroma of Ianto’s coffee was permeating the air. There was just time to grab a mug each before the alarms started blaring, announcing the arrival of the team. For once, it seemed everyone had arrived at the same time. That was a minor miracle in itself.

“Probably curious about last night’s new arrival,” Jack muttered to Ianto. “They’re like kids with a new toy.”

“And you’re not? If memory serves, and it generally does, you’re the worst of the lot!”

“I’m the boss, I _have_ to take an interest in all new tech we find.”

“You just keep telling yourself that.” Ianto hid his smirk behind his coffee mug. “Morning, everybody. Coffee?”

A chorus of yeses and a vague grunt greeted his question, and he busied himself pouring coffee for his colleagues, plus another for Jack.

“Where did you two disappear to last night?” asked Gwen. “When we got to the alley, all we found was a weird bit of tech in a containment box.”

“We had an urgent situation to deal with,” Jack replied.

“That’s what I thought,” Owen sniggered.

Ianto rolled his eyes. 

“Not that kind of situation, Owen. Get your mind out of the gutter.”

Owen blinked at Ianto, or more accurately, at the rat on his shoulder.

“Hey, isn’t that Murray? Where’d you find him?”

“Oh,” Ianto responded casually, “we ran into him in an alley not far from where the device came through, and he brought us back to the Hub. Which reminds me, I really need to collect my car; we haven’t had a chance to go back for it yet.”

“Don’t you mean you brought Murray back to the Hub?” Owen asked, frowning.

Ianto stifled a yawn and waved one hand vaguely.

“Whatever. It’s been a very long, strange and tiring night, so the three of us are heading home.”

Jack nodded agreement.

“We’re taking the rest of the day off. Owen, you’re in charge. Don’t disturb us unless the world is ending, we’ll be in tomorrow morning. Have fun playing with the new tech.” Jack picked up a couple of bags containing the clothes to be dropped off at the dry cleaners and headed towards the garage. 

Finishing his coffee, Ianto placed his empty mug in the sink, grabbed the pet carrier and followed his captain, pausing at the exit to glance back at the others.

“Word of advice; be careful not to tilt that thing if it’s switched on, you might not like the results.” He winked at Tosh, who grinned back at him. She’d already checked the results of the translation and had some idea of what might have happened the previous night.

“We’ll be careful, Ianto. See you tomorrow.”

Whistling a jaunty tune, Ianto turned and headed after Jack, leaving Gwen and Owen staring at each other in confusion.

“Was that the theme tune to _The Borrowers_ Ianto was whistling?” Gwen asked, perplexed.

“How should I know? I don’t watch kids’ TV shows.” Owen slumped into his seat and switched his computer on. “Don’t know why those two always have to be so cryptic,” he grumbled.

Tosh giggled quietly to herself as she opened a new window on one of her screens and settled down to watch the CCTV footage Ianto had helpfully saved to a folder on her desktop. She really would have to ask him to tell her the full story at their next Curry Club night. She had a feeling it had been quite an adventure!

 

The End


End file.
